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Tuesday, October 25th, 2005
6:35 pm
I have been sitting in a bad way for a long time now and i think thing will start to change because basicly i am running away from all my problem to start over and try to fix it so i no longer have or deal with the time that have made it so had to get out of bed. To do i could no ever get my self to do anything. I see people around me having so much fun and watching as there futures grow and find there way in life, but as for me i am lost. I once always had an answer for where are you going in life and not i am unsure and it is tearing me apart. I am not one to think of death as a good thing because i have tried that and the feeling is not any beter then what i am going though right now.
it is me wonder it it is me or rather the me i made myself into. When i come to VA i changed myself hevaly to the arogent prick that you see today. Because to me that people liked hearing the truth about what i thought about there life and didn't mind it when i didn't hold back my feelings on things. THat is all but the feeling of like i had. I mean when i first come to VA i had lots of Girl friends but most of them left me because they though i was in love with them but i have no clue what it would be to feel that way. What is the mater with seeming acting that way any ways. If you want to love someone or it someones loves you let them. Why is there such fear in the world about it. It is alot of peoeple goals in live to feel it but most of the time they just run away from it when they think they are getting close. I don't like feeling nothing all the time.

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Sunday, October 26th, 2003
12:35 am - Home coming i did go to after all
Well i when to that home coming that i thought i wasn't going to go to but knew i was any ways. You see there is this wonderful girl that was going and well i was driven yet again by my thoughts. And for the better part of them they were right. But i didn't think that there was there that i should have known was there. I saw him second when at 6 i looked in clydes. First being steph becasue she was at the end of the table. But second second was him. I have lost him name in my mind but he had a will and at that point was in deep. I had a liking or maybe a missing of the attention of that girl that my thoughts did dwell on throwout the night, dreams of what was but in my thoughts i see what i would be if i was in my prime. Mt freshman year in my inocent days that i knew not what life is today i when to everyone and everyone said hi. I was not bound by my pride. I did not have such thing as that. I was who i was and i did not keep the same. I was but not still am a posser. I was different then now. I had enery that would not quite and i cared about but the joking and about the sad. As i get older i am getting wiser and knowing as i do i know both sides of the stick, the short and the the long. Tonight i was the longer end and the other guy that name is not found was the short.I had the liking of that girl that i like so much and he did too but as freind he appeared in her eyes and as i embrassed what was mine i saw unblinking eyes shin down and peirce me. So much so that in that short time i enjoyed so i did not not make a move. Not a move of passiona so not to harm that nameless man that i knew loved her. Firt as he may be firlts do so have jelouse ways. But i just didn't want him to feel worse still having not more then a chance in the state things lay. But stronge pasiblity that in the end he just may have his prize and love her so dear and her him but for the time at hand i think my chance is gone. But i still go on becasue i write this here. That dance did oend on a new day. The new day which is here just not maybe to stay. For long the tides and give chance to the moon tomorrow is a day that is here.

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Saturday, September 27th, 2003
12:24 pm
ahhh it has been long. I don't think anyone checks mine any more. And i don't kn0ow why someone whould ckeck in the first place i made more typos then well.....lets just say they about out number the correct words. Well off to work

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Friday, March 28th, 2003
2:25 pm
You know it is hard to have no one fter having someone for so long? I am having that problem. I had a person in my life that was more thena fred from the start of this school year and now i am findin git hard that i don't have someone like that. Worst of all my flirting power hve gone really down hill. I haddent used them in so long that they are almot not there. It is saddening to see me work. OK i am done thanks for listening.

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Sunday, February 9th, 2003
6:27 pm
Well the last few week have been pretty good. I have been having fun with Sarah. So thing have come up that make me wonder how long it will last but they are simple doubts that are normal for any thing anyone does. But it is to bad i visions of perfect have died with that young boy that once lived in me. But on i will pass on to get back to where I stared.

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Friday, January 17th, 2003
9:55 pm
well you know all those changes i said were coming? eah they are here and i don't like tham. You know the me i want to be seen as and the me that i am are two very different people and i made it one person. I good thing right? No it is bad. now i am so unhappy that i want old matthew back. But he is got. i will be sad

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Saturday, January 4th, 2003
7:11 pm - look look i updated i do still know i have this thing
Well this beark hasn't been much. All i did is think. Ahhh scary yes i think so. I i could one thing with my lfe is make it so i had no time to time thinks over to much. But i have the time and unforcently i use the time too. It just scuws up my life and you know what it is ok. If it didn't something else would. So i guess it is ok that i mess i up then someone or something else does. THen i would get mad at someone else and i wouldn't like that at all.

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Sunday, December 8th, 2002
10:18 pm
it is hard sometimes. A life in love i mean. I am trying to find but i can do id bind my thoughts and wnt an exape to that oher life with not feelings broke or hurt. But do i want to leave what i have now. Tha is what is unsure. I just want to be told what to do. Grrr why can't someone just say yes new or no old.

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Friday, December 6th, 2002
1:51 am
You know what i found out today. I found out that i am far to horny. I think what more and it saddnesses me. I think the best then for me to do is just to tell my self to fuck off and leave so go the fuck away matthew and please don't come back.

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Tuesday, November 26th, 2002
5:58 pm
Karen and i good. But am fning myself gtting bored of er. I kno iam a jerk for it but i can't help it. there isn't as much to talk about anymore and as for as other things ... we bearly kiss. There is a point when i get bored. Nothing to talk about. No kissing. On op over it all another girl likes me. Grrr. It s k. I know me and i thnk i will stay where i at because it makes karen so happy and itdoes make me not happy.

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Friday, November 8th, 2002
3:23 pm
Yeah the last few weeks have been the best weeks. Karen and i are great and i think i have been helping alot of people. I have been volonteiring and i started my 8th art and i have been talking to ppl face to face about their problems. It has been great.

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Sunday, November 3rd, 2002
12:38 am
Is it really so hard to create a world?
Make life then death
Make light then dark
Make will then break them
Toying so easy
Making the world how you see fit
Plants
Animals
Earth
Air
Not that complex
It all makes you wonder why the disasters?

Is it hard to make the world?
Make death then life
Make dark then light
Brake wills then mend them
Toying is so easy
Making the would how you see fit
Fire
Pelage
Famine
Poison
Not that complex
It makes you wonder why make the world in the first place

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Friday, October 18th, 2002
11:23 pm
tonight i brought Karen to tc for are 2 WEEK he he hyes i know not to long but it is it still 2 weeks i had fun but i think she got really bored, so i think i will find better stuff for us to do becuse she seemed all out of it. You know like somewhere else. But i took away from her friends and put her is my world. So maybe that had something to do with it.

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Wednesday, October 9th, 2002
9:28 pm

What kind of porno would you star in?

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HEy what is up whitchs just got back form teck. I was fun. My life is fine. Bringing back up my grede and doing a good job at it. Me and Karen better then ever. I am all ready for homecoming. yeah, i am looking forward to it. Dancing ha ha ha. I hope i don't crush toes.

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Saturday, October 5th, 2002
12:37 pm

How Emotional Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

Yeah i am going out with Karen finnaly. It took me so long to do it. People i didn't even know came up to me and asked me why i hadn't asked her out. It was weird. But it is done now. So all those people will talk to me about other stuff. And the random people talking to me they will get back to the normal things like is that a monkey.

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Wednesday, October 2nd, 2002
3:14 pm
wow the last few day nothing big has happened. I am going to hc with Karen and maybe one of these days i will grow some balls and ask her out. BUt who knows. We saw how long it took me to ask her to hc. yeah and this is bigger then hc. it will take await and that is sad becasue i really like her.

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Wednesday, September 25th, 2002
6:16 pm
Well i saved to for a date and she said yes. so i was happy all the day after even though i got sick and went home.

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Tuesday, September 24th, 2002
6:46 pm

You are ... The Capital City Goofball
You are ... The Capital City Goofball from the Simpsons Quiz at Space Monkey Mafia dot com
Take the Simpsons Quiz @ Space Monkey Mafia dot com




To day tired tonight well maybe i can save my self from many kicks in the ass :-)

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Monday, September 23rd, 2002
8:26 pm
Hey sorry i haven't up dated in quit some time but I will tell you things so it is all good.

Tomorrow i am going to try to get a homecomming date(well hopefuly). I am going to ask this one girl. I think it is about time. I have been wanting to for like 2 weeks now. But tomorrow i will asked her. If i don't ask her you are free the kick my ass. I mean Kick my ass hard. I have stalled to long. I would need a jump star so do it or i will kick you in the ass. He he he

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7:30 pm

You are:
47.5%
Raver Geek

You are mostly a raver. You know your way around a computer, but you would rather be out partying and dancing than sitting around typing on a keyboard.

Take This Quiz @ Space Monkey Mafia dot com

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